Nervous is a lovely place to start.

If this would be your first time seeing a companion, you’re probably a little nervous. Good. I mean that.

Nerves usually mean you care how the evening goes, and that you’d like to get it right. That happens to be my favourite kind of person.

Nervous is a good sign

I’ve written it on The Long Version, and I’ll say it again here: if you’re nervous, fine. Quiet? Fine. Inexperienced? Come here.

You don’t need to pretend with me. I would much rather you tell me what you don’t know than spend the evening trying to convince me that you do. I’m patient when patience is called for, and I rather like watching someone become less nervous around me.

What the nerves are usually about

When people are anxious about a first meeting, it tends to come down to a few things:

• Being judged. For how you look, what you say, or the fact that you’re here at all.
• Saying the wrong thing. In the first message, or in the first five minutes.
• Not knowing how it works. Screening, deposits, where to be and when.
• Whether she’s real. A fair worry, given how many fake profiles there are.

Psychology has some reassuring news on the first two. Researchers call one of them the spotlight effect: in a well-known study, students sent into a room in an embarrassing T-shirt guessed that far more people had noticed it than actually had. We are all much less watched than we feel.

The other is the liking gap. When strangers got acquainted in a lab, people systematically underestimated how much their new conversation partner liked them and enjoyed their company. In other words, you will probably come across better than you think you did.

The parts I handle, so you don’t have to

The practical side is mine to worry about. Here’s how it works with me:

• You say hello. A short note is plenty. I read every note myself and usually reply within minutes.
• I take care of screening. It’s required before a first meeting, I review it personally, and I’ll tell you privately what I need. Please don’t send ID in your first message or through the form.
• You can see me first. FaceTime with me is free, which settles the “is she real?” question in about a minute.
• A deposit holds our time. Once screening is done and I’ve accepted our plans, a 30% reservation deposit holds the date.

New friends begin at 90 minutes, which is plenty of time for nerves to wear off and for the evening to become an evening. The finer points are on Before Our Date, and our first date, from hello to goodbye walks through the evening itself.

The first ten minutes

Nobody expects you to be smooth. Say hello. If you’re nervous, say that too: it’s an honest opening line, and honesty is far more attractive than a performance.

And remember that consent works both ways, all evening. Either of us may decline, set a boundary, change our mind or stop at any time. Nothing has to happen quickly.

Ask, don’t perform

If you’re worried about running out of things to say, here is the secret: you don’t have to be interesting. Be interested. Ask a question, then ask the one that follows from the answer. There’s research on why that works.

Small questions people are too shy to ask

Should I tell you it’s my first time? Yes, please. It helps, and it’s sweet.

What do I say in my first message? Your name or alias, how I should reply, your city, possible dates and the time you have in mind. Here are a few to borrow.

How do I know you’re really you? Ask for a FaceTime. It’s free.

How long should a first date be? New friends begin at 90 minutes. Longer is lovely if you know you’ll want it; my Rates page lists every length.

What if I change my mind? Then you change your mind. That’s true before we meet and during our time together.

Nervous is a lovely place to start. I’ll take it from there.

I’m a model offering my time and social companionship only. Sexual services are not offered.

Sources

• Gilovich T., Medvec V. H., Savitsky K., “The spotlight effect in social judgment,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 78(2), 2000.
• Boothby E. J., Cooney G., Sandstrom G. M., Clark M. S., “The liking gap in conversations: Do people like us more than we think?,” Psychological Science 29(11), 2018.