The question that gets you a second date.

Most people can survive a first question. It’s the second one that tells you whether anybody was listening.

The first question is manners. Where are you from. What do you do. How was the drive. Everyone has an answer ready, worn smooth from use, and nobody learns a thing. It’s the conversational equivalent of shaking hands.

The second question can only exist because of something you just said. Say you mention, almost in passing, that you once spent a whole summer restoring a boat you never ended up sailing. The polite reply is “how lovely.” The second question is “why didn’t you sail it?” and suddenly we are somewhere real.

I’ve written before that I don’t think people are boring very often. I think they’re frequently asked boring questions. I’ll stand by that one.

It turns out there’s research on my side. A team of Harvard researchers studied live conversations and found that people who asked more questions, and follow-up questions in particular, were better liked by the person they were talking to. In speed dating, the people who asked more follow-ups were more likely to get a yes to a second date.

My favourite part is the bit nobody expected: the people in the studies didn’t predict any of it. They assumed asking questions wouldn’t make them more likeable. So most of us walk around trying to be interesting, when being interested works better and costs less.

The researchers’ explanation was a word I’m fond of: responsiveness. A follow-up question is proof. It says I heard you, and I would like more of that, please.

It is also, if I’m honest, most of what I do. People imagine the evening is the dress and the heels and the good table. Those are lovely, and I won’t pretend otherwise. But what someone actually takes home is the feeling of being paid attention to, and attention is mostly a stack of second questions.

That’s what I mean when I say I’m particular about my time and generous with my attention. The particular part is about who and when. The generous part is the second question, and the third, and the one I ask forty minutes later because I’ve been thinking about it since the appetiser.

It’s also the quickest cure for nerves. Nobody stays nervous for long while they’re explaining the thing they love. Ask the second question and watch someone’s whole face change.

A few worth borrowing, for dates, dinner parties and first messages alike:

• “What made you stop?”
• “What did you think it would be like?”
• “Who taught you that?”
• “Do you miss it?”
• “And then what happened?”

Ask the first question to be polite. Ask the second because you actually want the answer.

Source

• Huang K., Yeomans M., Brooks A. W., Minson J., Gino F., “It doesn’t hurt to ask: Question-asking increases liking,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 113(3), 2017.

I’m a model offering my time and social companionship only. Sexual services are not offered.